Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year

So, 2007…a new year, a new start, a chance to begin afresh. Oh how those things sound so appealing. But, really, all I want for this year is for it to not be (I want last year). Shame on me for regretting and longing for something else on this occasion of new beginnings and clean slates, but I want last year. I want last January first with all its exciting beginnings and imperfections, with all the wonderful baggage it smuggled over from 2005, and with all the promises for a beautifully awkward and pain-laden year. That was bliss. This is just…blank.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

What I've learned since I came to college...

1. Unlike TAG, not everyone gets nerdy jokes
2. Mini-fridges are not to be trusted
3. Loneliness is inevitable
4. There is never a shortage of drunk people to keep you entertained
5. No matter how interesting your classes may be, there is no fighting the forces of procrastination
6. Roommates are not governed by the laws that protect a person's right to sleep
7. The bearer of cookie dough becomes very popular very fast
8. It is possible to sit at a table full of people at dinner and still be eating alone
9. Parents are the most wonderful and underappreciated people in the world
10. On a college campus, there are airborne frisbees everywhere all the time
11. One should be very wary of the fact in (10) and be on alert at all times
12. The library is your friend - it has comfy couches
13. The description of a class does not necessarily tell what the class will actually cover
14. If something in the dining hall looks green and disgusting but has a familiar name, it probably is still green and disgusting
15. Bike tire flats always happen to come at the most inconvenient and random of times
16. It is imperative you find a spot where you can cry freely and not be ashamed
17. Hugs are like parents - the most wonderful and underappreciated of things
18. Do not forget your Tevas at home
19. Don't forget to go to dinner during the hour when the dining hall's open, because once it's closed, it's closed, and you'll be hungry
20. Your ID swipe-card has money connected to it!
21. Anyone can pick the sunflowers in the organic garden :-D
22. If you do not do your laundry regularly, bad things will happen
23. It is a really good idea to lock your dorm door when you are undressing
24. Frat houses never go to sleep
25. Going to the grocery store and coming out with only what you went in there for is indeed a sign of impressive strength and self control
26. Not having a bathroom connected to your bedroom is a pain
27. Two things that are severely undervalued on a college campus - privacy and sanitation
28. Mail is exciting!!
29. You can, in fact, numerically measure uncertianty
30. Watch out for the sprinklers - they pop up without warning
31. No amount of fun can stop the longing in your heart for the one you love

Sunday, August 27, 2006

6 days in...

Well, I'm here.

The past week or so has been like a demented rollercoaster where, instead of my stomach dropping out at every turn, my heart is ripped out. The first three days of saying goodbyes (last Sunday, Monday and Tuesday) were hell on earth. I felt like Caitlin's favorite old pair of jeans - hanging on by a thread. When I got up here and got some sleep (I was going on no sleep from those last two nights), things got a little better. College was so exciting! What with all the independence and new activities calling me and my own cozy little dorm, I actually started looking forward to it. But then my mommy left. And now homesickness is plaguing me like the flu. And it's getting worse each day. I miss my Caitlin so much. My heart aches for her and I feel as if I shall shrivel up if I can't hold her soon. But I can't complain because, when it really comes down to it, I brought this upon myself. And I think that's what hurts the most. It's my fault we're both hurting right now.

My mom says it'll get better after classes start and while I can't really believe her because I can't really see how it can ever get better until I'm with my love again, I'm going on that hope and I've never been so eager for school to start.

Thursday, August 17, 2006


I don’t cry. Normally. Typically, my inability to procure a certain salty liquid from my eyes in times when such an act seems appropriate has merited the notion that I am heartless or uncaring. My eyes have unfailingly held up their resolve to be dry during even the most heart-wrenching of situations. Even Kate Winslet’s last extremely tear-evoking scene from Finding Neverland failed to persuade my eyes to let a few drops escape and, truth be told, I hardly ever cried during Grace’s 3.5 year cancer ordeal.

But yesterday….Yesterday I could hardly stop crying. Yesterday my Caitlin was hurt and, somewhat consequentially I think, I was faced with the reality of my situation. Just as I can’t imagine a life without her, likewise I cannot imagine living without her. And I am leaving for college in a little more than 4 days. Although I have always known this, the thought has simply rested lightly on me, sort-of put away; something for me to deal with when the time came and something I wasn’t going to let bother me now. But yesterday, just as I was out of my mind with worry for my love, it hit me square in the face. I am leaving in 4 days. I am leaving in 4 days. And my heart is breaking.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Too soon

I leave a week from today but I’m not ready. I can see everything coming together around me- the plane tickets and hotel rooms, the dorm accessories and class schedules, the cold weather clothes; but I am removed. Even when I try to stick my hand in and take hold of it, it blows by me, through my fingers like the wind. And, even so, the more I try, the more something tugs me back and I have to pull my hand back again. I’ve made lists and packed bags and studied and spent time. Every detail of my outer shell suggests it- I’m ready. But on the inside, every cell in my body recoils, trying to back away from it all, trying to get out of it. Where do we go when, behind us, a fire insists on our departure yet nothing but a cold slab of ice waits to welcome us into the new world? And how can I stay where I am in this unpleasant phase of transition? I know I must move; I cannot exist in such a state. But I’m not ready.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

In the beginning...

In the beginning, there was a girl. And they called her Haley. And it was good.

Um, I've never done the blogging thing or even kept a consistent diary before and since I don't have enough outlets to entice me to procrastinate already, when Caitlin mentioned it, I figured why not? So here I am, not knowing what to write about. I should warn you though: I can promise neither intelligent writing nor regular posts. I think I can assure you, however, that the things I put on this site will often be matters that I have been dwelling on for some time and are of some uncertain importance to me (i.e. -another warning- they may very well be posts of me venting or lamenting over my oh-so-difficult life). I don't know, I guess we'll see how it turns out . Anyways, here you go, I've started one and you have been forewarned. at your own risk!